Great news, everyone! We can all be professional artists now because we have discovered that one can poop out paint eggs onto a canvas and sell it for money! Hooray! Let’s talk about that, accidentally flooding a movie theatre bathroom, a cheerful approach to remembering we could all die at any moment, wishing you were…

Have you ever gone to the gas pump and concluded that a plastic grocery bag was the proper container for a couple gallons of gas? No?! Well, let’s talk about that, professional dick pics, how much Yoko Ono sounds exactly like a goat, armchair script writers that can outshine Breaking Bad, and more on today’s…

Remember that one time you and your friends got into a deep conversation about what it would be like to have accordions for legs? Wait, you don’t?! Fine. Let’s talk about that, running for your life while wearing Rollerblades, getting an expensive pocket knife confiscated because you’re an idiot, why you shouldn’t glue your vagina…

Did you know there’s an IG model with almost 500,000 followers who promotes drinking semen smoothies to boost your immune system… and also rub jizz on your face while you’re at it? Well, there is. Let’s talk about that, jumping off a three story hotel building into an 8-foot swimming pool, almost catching your house…

*** WE ARE AWARE OF THE AUDIO ISSUE ON THIS EPISODE. IT HAS BEEN ADDRESSED. *** Have you ever opened up a can of food and immediately thought to yourself, “You know what? I wish there was a human mouth with gnarly teeth in here.” No? Fine. But let’s still talk about that, a grandma…

Did you know that Dan was once a counselor for naughty kids? And then during a counseling session, he passed out and the naughty kids raided the medicine cabinet? hahaha… let’s talk about that, jerking off in a movie theater, a poor girl who woke up on the embalming table, having tastebuds in your butthole,…

Listen… if you’re visiting Yellowstone National Park and then going online to submit a one-star review because there’s “too many elk”… you need to have your internet privileges taken away permanently. Let’s talk about that, accidentally blasting porn for the entire neighborhood, frivolous lawsuits, the stupid technological trend of having smart everythings, and more on…

When the air temperature reaches 100+ degrees, is it THEN ok to unplug your dying dad’s ventilator in order to plug in an AC unit, ultimately killing him? Probably not. Let’s talk about that, lassoing garbage cans with an extension cord, your father walking around your house in his whitey tighties, and a lot more…

If we had a dollar for every time our mom got blasted drunk and made us ride in an inflatable pool on top of the car to keep it from blowing off while she drove… we would have exactly zero dollars… because that’s next level stupid. Let’s discuss that, getting super mad at inanimate objects,…

Have you ever been hired, or hired someone else, to break into your house and gently stroke you with a broom in order to fulfill a sexual fantasy? No? Well, someone did and shit went sideways REALLY quick. Let’s talk about that, lying to your parents about getting a blowie, some bitch named Lori, and…